Dear friends, enemies, and fellow travelers,
Today I want to confront an issue that disturbs the manly men of the world: the man purse.
Nothing revokes your man-card as quickly as sporting a stylish man purse. Draping the petite bag on your shoulder is an open invitation for trolling. With a ballerinas elegance and Shakespeare’s unrivaled rhetoric your friends might insult you with: “What are you, Gay?”. “Nice purse. Fag.” Even the manliest man will feel belittled and succumb to questioning his own masculinity. Good luck getting into the he-man woman haters club with a purse. I think you’re chances of meting Justin Beiber would be better, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what you’d rather with a purse like that. I fear the man purse has become a certificate of death for manliness. But, should it be? Let us review the pros and cons of the purse. Consider George Castanza.
Look at that wallet! While most of you know Castanza, you may not know this: sitting on you wallet while driving causes misalignment of the spine, causing back pain. What if Castanza had a man purse? IF he wasn’t too cheap to buy one George would enjoy the practicality of purse-onality! Wallets, coupons, sun glasses, cigarettes and the occasional joint are only a few of the things that your man purse can take out of your pockets and off your hands. Too few items for your Jansport? Too many for your pockets? Your man purse won’t only add to your comfort but your style too! Look at all these GQ man purses on manly men you might know.
What about the fanny pack? What made fanny packs any more acceptable than the man purse? Look at these hideous things!
The only people who should be legally authorized to wear fanny packs are lifeguards and exceptionally embarrassing dorky dads. And wearing your fanny pack slung across your chest doesn’t make it any less of a fanny pack, just a man purse wannabe. The French and Italians wear man purses and aren’t they known for having the best style?
The past few weeks have opened my eyes to man purses. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve got man purse envy. I’m sick of lugging my backpack around. It’s a tourist flag. Sure it’s big and can hold everything I need, but you know what they say, “Size doesn’t matter, it’s what you do with it that counts.”
-A Seriously Casual Traveler